Raising teenagers: stop beating yourself up
Maybe your teenager is struggling at school or having difficulty in friendships. Or they may just be experiencing the highs and lows of life whilst learning to be a new version of themselves. Have you ever wondered how to raise a teenager well?
As a parent to a teen you’re naturally inclined to personalise their behaviour and reactions, especially as you may be a safe space to bear the brunt of their moods from time to time. It’s easy to go down the pathway of self blame and start to offer ourselves ‘if only’ advice.
‘If only I was more switched on.’
‘If only I were less stressed out and busy, I could be more available for my teenager.’
‘If only I’d chosen a better partner then I’d have more support.’
The second guessing can go on forever.
But the truth is that there are so many aspects that influence our teens and so much occurring in a teen’s world. And the constant circular self blaming is actually doing more harm than good by keeping us stuck in a past pattern or moment.
Stop! Can you hear that depressing sound of blame in your internal dialogue for your teenager’s state of mind or current challenges? That’s the mind dragging you back to the past.
Remind yourself of the absolute sheer power and peace of the now moment. Whatever your mind has convinced you that you “should have” done or have done incorrectly in the past the power lies in being able to self correct in the now moment. Rather than correcting or changing your actions or trying to control anything that is outside of us, focus on altering your state of being.
We have a glorious opportunity to be completely present in the now and to allow our children to be the authentic expression of who they are, without it having to be anything to do with us! We must take it upon ourselves to detach and depersonalise from your teen’s expressions of their experience and their actions.
When we remind ourselves to come back into the present moment, we embrace and put distance between how we are feeling and what is happening around us. Being an adult, we have the advantage of lived experienced as well as the ability to esteem ourselves internally. We have the learned knowledge that our worth doesn’t come from our children and how they behave.
Breathe and settle
Take a few moments to breathe and settle into who you are. Practise non attachment, in that beloved now moment as this helps us to remember that we are worthy. Regardless of the way we are treated by others, especially our children.
Practise this and make it a habit, so that it becomes more effortless and natural to shine a light of self esteem and individuation, providing guidance for those around you. And before long you will have the power to shift your mindset from self blame to healthy self esteem within seconds.
It’s vital as a parent to notice and cultivate your own light to lead others, especially your child.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and not sure how to raise a teenager or have other parenting issues, please contact me for counselling support today.